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    Smakx's Kitchen S01E01 - Burgers on the Grill


    Posts : 156
    Join date : 2012-09-13
    Location : Straight outta Iowa

    Smakx's Kitchen S01E01 - Burgers on the Grill

    Post  Smakx on Fri Jun 14, 2013 9:52 pm

    *** Smakx's Kitchen S01E01 : Ass Burgers Syndrome!


      Hello, have you ever been relaxing around your estate when suddenly you notice you are hungry? You look around for the woman of the house and you see no sign of either her or the grand feast it was her womanly duty to prepare for you as man of the house. Perplexed by this mysterious and bizarre turn of events you are left to ponder what to do next....


      Recently I found myself in just such a situation. I decided not to panic and gathered my wits about me. I sojourned into the kitchen area, a room rather foreign to me, filled with strange implements and devices of unknown purpose. Undaunted, I made my way to the freezer, and there in I found the subject of this very article, a small frozen tube of hamburger.

      This had definitely been put there by my girlfriend. For me, meat is a visual purchase. This hamburger was in a non transparent wrapper tube. What were they trying to hide? Generally I find that people with secrets are up to no good...


      You need a tube of hamburger as described above. It claims to be 73% lean, whatever that really means. In any case, I have not tested this recipe on hamburger of higher or lower quality or other meats, roadkill, human flesh, ect... and therefor cannot attest to the results you will obtain if you don't do what I say, always, in all things...

      Take the cheap hamburger out of the tube anyway you can and get it on a plate somehow. Smash it into a uniform layer. Salt and pepper it, put some dry onion soup mix on it, and some steak, bbq, or soy sauce on it, in that order depending on what you have around (pick one). I cant tell you how much of any of that stuff you need, for that cannot be taught. Add the ingredient in untill something inside you says "oh yeah, that's fucking perfect". Now pulverize it all together, squeeze it really hard untill its squirts out between you fingers, focus all of the hatred trapped within you, you want that shit mixed dawg, no fucking around here... Mixed.

      You are almost there. Smash the hamburger mix into patties, the grill should already be preheated, even though I never told you to do that. Run the grill full blast for like 5 mins, then turn it way the fuck down. Throw the burgers on, check them erratically and flip them, it doesn't really matter because the heat is so low so you shouldn't burn them. There is a specific time when they are cooked all the way through, no pink, but not dried out. You will know this by magic, and if you miss it then go back to step 1.

      Melt cheese on them if you want, then stand around around the grill eating them with your bare hands. You will be amazed at how life changing these burgers are. Most people think they know how to grill burgers, but they don't know shit. Now you are now one of the people who do. That's it for now, thanks for reading and enjoy those burgers!

     _your pal smakx
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    Posts : 410
    Join date : 2012-09-12
    Age : 58
    Location : Indiana

    Re: Smakx's Kitchen S01E01 - Burgers on the Grill

    Post  Rascal on Sun Jun 16, 2013 8:07 am

    I'm not a burger fan, but this does sound very good. I've never seen hamburger in a tube, I'll have to look for that on my yearly "Your a bum, you should do more to help" trip to the grocery store. I wonder, if I were to throw some hotdogs in a blender, if I can do the same kind of thing with them. I want to experience the thrill of meat squirting out between my fingers. If it works out good I can call them weiner burgers.

    Thanks Smakx, and keep the cooking lessons coming, pretty soon, all I'll need the wife for is laundry and sex. It you have any tips on those two items also, let me know.


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