Smakx's World of Hilarious Jokes

Here are some of the things I've been working on:


In the drive through, you order a hot fudge sundae, if they ask you if you want nuts, you respond:
"Hold my nuts please".


If someone asks you how far you drive to work, you reply:
"I drive all the way there".


If someone catches you picking your nose, and they ask you "Are you picking your nose?", you respond:
"No, this is the nose I've always had".


And finally, what did one shark say to the other shark?:
"I wish I had a porpoise in life".


These are all in their preliminary stages, I will try to bring you more if I can think of any more stupid crap I think is funny. You are invited to contribute your own jokes, or other people's, or whatever. Thanks for reading.

Sumbitch...

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural East Texas.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor."He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies..."

A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking, hand in hand, past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...

How soon can I go home?'

Damm elton you a regular jonny carson

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on your chin."

We here at TCOP know how dangerous the world can be, you never know what kind of person you might run into, and as a public service we feel that it is important that our members keep up a rigid and hard core self defense training regimen. We realize that most of you will consider this a waste of time, considering the olympic ubermensch physique possessed by the average TCOP user. None the less we still ask that you consider adding the following advanced moves to your own personal self defense arsenal:

As my Buddy Chris say's

HAHA

He forgot the grab the handlebar mustache knee to the face kick.

Two Fleas on Vacation
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"


The first flea says, "I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea tells him, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately."

"Well then, what happened?" the first flea asked.

"When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley!"

Get some grill skillz:

Here are some pics of some really nice home pc setups, check these out!

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lol fuck

WTF

We aren't as crusty as we thought.

And here I thought my room was a mess..............

What? Youz guys rooms don't look like that?

makes me wish i took a pic of mary's moms room b4 we moved, or some of my older brothers setups he's had in the past lol... fuck.

I love the pic where the keyboard is a cig holder, and the whole top half is melted away from too many cigs being forgotten lol.

I lost 30lbs without diet or exercise. "Wow, how did you do that?" I hear you ask...


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Beware the "Wind of Doom"...

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That explains a lot




I gotta try your diet too .... I suppose three days straight at a Golden Corral would have that effect, or an 80oz steak finished in one sitting and a few beers to boot .....

Elton wrote:That explains a lot




I gotta try your diet too .... I suppose three days straight at a Golden Corral would have that effect, or an 80oz steak finished in one sitting and a few beers to boot .....

Don't forget, lots of oil to help that python out of it's resting place.

smack up some lube too yeah .... great advice